Tuning into Lifetime’s The Unauthorized Full House Story, I was immediately outraged by the set which had a house that looked nothing like the Full House house. Okay, outraged is a bit too passionate, but I was confused. Was Lifetime even trying? As the 120 minutes of torture passed, it was clear that yes, they weren’t trying. I watched House growing up, but it was never my favorite. Imagine those who actually like the show (not to mention those who love it); how do they feel about this? The “film” starts in 1987 but immediately jumps back to ’85 to show what Dave Coulier (Justin Mader) calls “the filthiest minded human being I’ve ever met” (i.e., Bob Saget [Garrett Brawith]) doing stand-up. Apparently a bit about tampons and a one-liner regarding hookers makes a person downright dirty in Lifetime land. It’s something Story clings to, the idea that Saget was wildly inappropriate on and off set. Whether or not you agree his comedy is inappropriate or offensive, what this movie showcases is just weird. Like, flirting with a mannequin in front of the cameras. Also, for being such a struggling comic, Saget’s house in the mid-80’s was niiice.
There’s no plot other than the passing of time, inconsistently implied with strangely-named title cards (1985, Las Vegas, and Charity Hockey Game are some examples). People were cast (was Jodie Sweetin [Dakota Guppy] seriously cast first?!), people sang entire songs with Jesse and the Rippers (who seemingly performed all the time), people laughed as Coulier made fart jokes and flirted with everyone. People were… happy. And that makes this movie all the more boring. Just as I was debating calling it a night though, the actors performing as Candace Cameron (Brittney Wilson), Sweetin, and the Olsen Twins (Blaise and Kinslea Todd) were swapped with older talent who looked nothing like the original House cast let alone the original portrayer in the movie. I was intrigued to see if these DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle actors were any less painful. Nope.
The one reason to watch Story is to laugh at the true-story breadcrumbs dropped throughout, insinuating what many fans already know. For example, Stamos’ love life is portrayed in a total of maybe five minutes. He complains about being lonely, we see him at a red carpet event with Paula Abdul (played by Lisa DiGiacinto and winner of the Most Appalling Casting award), and then we see him bump into a blonde woman at a fashion show who says, “I’m Rebecca. Rebecca Romijn.” Cameron references eating disorders, Saget is deemed incredibly monogamous (irony!), The Olsen’s mention making albums, movies, dolls… It even ends with a sort of “where are they now?” montage and a fart joke from Coulier. Because of course it does.